Skinny In Spandex

Can someone tell me when it became acceptable to wear a spandex skirt Thursday, Friday, AND Saturday? That's all I'm seeing these days. Spandex skirts, spandex skirts, and more stupid spandex skirts. Who makes these fashion decisions? Well let me tell you, I don't care if it's October 1st, or December 25th, as soon as I get rid of this blossoming belly, I'm wear a damn spandex skirt and booty popping all over Central Illinois.

After completing a lovely workout on Thursday, my friend Jorie and I decided to reward ourselves with Irish Car Bombs and beer. Luckily our after party snacks were skinny pizza's, but at least we pre-worked off the alcohol we consumed. Listen, to all you college Freshmen out there, we need to have a talk. First of all, most of you probably JUST started drinking, so NO, you haven't gained weight from it yet so you CAN wear your stupid spandex skirts. It doesn't mean you have to wear a white spandex skirt with a black thong. That's just not cute. (Yes, I DID see this in person. You know who you are.) Plus, when did it become OK to stop saying "excuse me" or "sorry" while sprinting to your coveted spot on the dance floor? I know you used a fake I.D. to get into this bar, so I'm going to assume your dancing with a boy who just hit puberty as well. Don't worry, I'm not going to steal your general education class study partner young child. However, I am a big girl and if you continue to push me, I'll push back. Just saying.

Now back to the "important" stuff: we're going into week two of the 14 Day GNC Total Body Transformation diet. Thus far I've lost two pounds. I can't stop drinking beer. This is an issue.

On a positive note, this diet is really easy. For anyone looking to lose weight in 14 days, this diet is for you. The box comes with two sets of pills, one for the morning and one for the afternoon. It also gives you two 180 calorie powders that you mix into a drink or shake. These powders will either substitute as your meal or for a snack. I will say, I never ONCE have been hungry on this program.

The savior to this diet: the "How To" booklet it comes with. I love the fact that I can do all of my workouts at home! Lunges, squats, bench press, everything I can do at home with my make-shift weights. If you recall I turned two empty milk jugs into my weights by filling them with water. I really need to come up with a name for them. Suggestions? Maybe "Belly Burner" and "Ass Kicker".

I've also been running and doing hills out at Fox Ridge State park. A couple of people have joined me, which is nice because that means I have to actually put in work and act like I'm in shape. I find myself acting like I'm yawning instead of breathing hard. When I get to the top of this hill and I feel like I'm going to roll back down it because I can't breath, I just yawn and act like, "Oh, I'm yawning because I just made that hill my bitch. I'm not tired, No, let's run back down it.". NOT.

The only thing you have to watch out for at Fox Ridge are branches. Those little .... GROWL. I was walking and saw a branch on the ground. I thought to myself, "That's a branch, not a root. I need to jump over that." I guess my left leg didn't get the memo because as soon as that thought passed through my head I tripped over the stick and almost soiled myself while face planting in the mud. Stick: 1, Avery: 0.

Are you ready for my next adventure? Weight loss hypnosis! Yes, I'm going to try a 21 day program by Eric Brown, a certified hypnotherapist. You can download the program off of iTunes. Like anything else in this world, it did cost a little bit of money, but HEY, instead of buying that last shot you know you'll regret in the morning, hop online and get hypnotized.

I've only been hypnotized by the big E-Dog once, and well, let's just say I started it around midnight and woke up around 8 A.M. Eric says it's ok to fall asleep though, he has a very soothing voice. Maybe it's when he tells me to get into some boat in the ocean and drift off, that's when I fall asleep. I most likely fell asleep because I'm thinking,  "Hell no Eric Brown, Natalie Halloway didn't come back from that shit, I'm not about to be a missing person.". I'll let you know how it goes.

With smart phones these days, no matter what make or model there's an application for counting calories. They're usually free, download one. I use to be THAT GIRL who would "count calories" and leave off a couple pieces of cheese or General Tso's chicken crumbs. Don't do it! The worst thing you can do it fool yourself into thinking you're consuming less calories than you actually are. In the end, the scales don't lie.

Thinking about trying Sensa, the miracle sprinkles you put on your food? Thoughts? I put up some new pictures so you can see the transformation in my body! Email me any thoughts, comments, questions, or suggestions at akmacpheedrake@gmail.com.

By the way, spandex skirt wearers, I wear spandex to work out in every day. If you want to make a statement at the bar, come borrow my spandex SHORTS. Food for thought.

-A

In Two Weeks I'll Be Skinny ...

If you see a big girl running down the road with really nice running gear on, but obviously is not in shape, yea, that's me. Don't judge.

It's DAY 1 of my 14 day total body transformation diet. If you recall, I paid $50 for this Total Lean: Total Body Transformation kit from GNC. A little sweet-tart named Kyle sold me on the idea after he gazed at me with his pretty blue eyes and told me he had a lot of "repeat customers" with this program. (Oh Kyle, I'll repeat.) My mom asked me if I wanted to go to GNC on Sunday. I politely replied, "I think we should go during the work-week. Kyle really knows what he's talking about!".

The diet consists of a morning pill packet, evening pill packet, and two protein shake powders. I was actually really impressed because it also comes with a packet that explains what all of the pills are and how they work. Plus there's an easy to follow meal plan. No, they don't include crazy recipes that require 17 different ingredients and a fresh fish. The meals are simple: Lemon Herb White Fish, Turkey Wrap, Fajita's, Shrimp Salad. Not too tough!  The program requires that I eat five small meals a day. Two of those meals are the shakes from the box, with either blue berries or an apple with peanut butter (there are other snack options too but those two caught my eye).

Besides my healthy eating, which is suppose to be under 1500 calories a day I might add, the informational packet also says I have to do cardio 30-60 minutes a day, four to six days a week, along with upper body and lower body workouts on different days.

Here's the part I LOVE: I'm not going to the gym! Yes, this is true. You can catch my big booty jogging up and down ninth street and walking on the side streets. Let's be honest, I can't walk on the main roads because that's just embarrassing. I leave the "brisk walk" aka catching my breath, for streets like 10th and Polk. If you see me stretching, I'm also catching my breath then too.

However, like I said before, I have to do upper body workouts on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and lower body workouts on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I'll blog more in depth about the workouts in the coming days, but for right now, all I have to say is watch out Jillian Michaels, your commercials where you come into my living room like a crazy drill sergeant no longer intimidate me. Take THAT Mrs. Universe, I'm not impressed. A quick mention though, I don't have any free weights or Chuck Norris fitness equipment at home so I made due with what I had. I think I'm a genius, personally. For my upper body workouts, I took two one gallon milk jugs and filled them with water. For a rebirthed workout junkie, these may seem pretty light at first. Don't worry, you'll be burning after the first set. If not, try putting wet dirt, sand, or rocks in your milk jugs.

After starting my "intense" running workouts, I finally felt a little bit better about myself when I saw a man jogging past my house today. Poor computer junkie, his upper body was about two feet in front of his legs and it looked like he had to pick up his feet to move. On top of that, he didn't have any sort of I Pod or Walkman, or anything in his ears to keep him motivated. I mean, I basically have to stop running and take a breather every time my music changes because I can hear myself breathe and I feel sorry for myself. Remember: DON'T LET YOUR MIND STOP YOU BEFORE YOUR BODY DOES.

Quick mention, shout out to my grandma for letting me steal her weight scale. Finally I have a scale at my house. I've been sneaking into a fitness facility in Charleston and creeping past the front desk and using their scale. They caught me a couple times so I figure it was time to move onto the next one. On the down-side, the scale adds minimum 33 pounds to your current weight. I'm not joking, you tap it to turn it on and it's starts off at 33. Dang. That's a buzz kill!

You know what else is a buzz kill, ab exercises. Why you ask, because when I do crunches I can really tell how skinny my stomach ISN'T. When your rolls touch your tits, as your tits touch your face, it's not too sexy. Even I don't want to see myself doing abs. No worries though, it'll all be gone soon!

- A

I Can't Believe My Stomach ...

Oh my goodness, I can't believe the difference in my stomach in just one week. I really didn't want to put the pictures on here because I can't believe I let my stomach look like it did, but you guys have to see this transformation! I was like the big pig who lived at the market! Oink Oink!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE FOR THE BEFORE AND AFTER PICTURES OF MY STOMACH!

The second round of the 24 Hollywood diet isn't even comparable to round one. Round one I was tired and emotionless, had a headache, cramping (with and without the "m" in that word), and I thought I was going to die. Round one obviously went to the diet guru's because it kicked my curvy ass. However, this past 24 fast was EASY PEASY! I didn't wake up with cravings, didn't have to check my pants every hour, on the hour, didn't have a dinosaur in m stomach making all kinds of sounds I've never heard. All-in-all, the 24 Hollywood diet is totally mental.

The difference this time around is that I only lost two pounds compared to the six pounds I originally lost. Remember: three pounds came back, but by losing two pounds this time it means I'm down five. HOLLA AT A PLAYA! Plus, I already brought my BMI down by one point. Not too shabby if I do say so myself.

I can tell you what NOT to do while fasting, don't watch TELEVISION. It wasn't until this diet that I realized how jam packed T.V. is with food commercials. There isn't even a Red Robin around Central Illinois but for some reason I just want to run out to my porch and yell "Reeeeeeeed Robin, Yummmmm!". Also, by no means should you EVER watch the food channel while dieting. Just don't do it. I thought watching "Bizarre Foods" on the Travel Channel was a safe bet last night. HA, I wanted that beetle more than the fat guy getting paid to eat it!

On to the next one: the GNC 14 day total body cleanse. I'll have to do some more research on this one before I give you the full run-down.

Before I forget, my friend Evan is some kind of physical God (yes ladies, I know for a fact how yummy he is so I believe him, plus he's a personal trainer) and he says he took this pill called "T3" and lost about 15 pounds in five weeks. Now Ev also says he had a limited amount of carbs, but still, 15 pounds when that kid is all muscle anyway, I want to see him naked. He recommends that we take Clenbuterol with T3. Essentially this little cocktail hour is a fat burner and a thyroid blocker. Maybe I'll post a picture of Evan and then you guys will really know what I'm talking about as far as the "I believe you because you're beautiful" philosophy in my head goes these days.

Listen my twig wanna-be's, I need idea's just like Evan's so I can keep going on this adventure. Let me know what you want me to try by just commenting or emailing me at akmacpheedrake@gmail.com.

By the way, really wanted to do the tape worm diet, turns out those little wormies travel into your brain and kill you. Who would have thought? Plus, it's illegal in the U.S., darn the luck.

- A

Drinking Makes Me Fat ...

Why do I love beer so much? I promise it will be the death of me! I should really think of a name for the keg I carry on my stomach every morning after I wake up from a fun night at the bar.

I consumed over 1,300 calories in Bud Light yesterday, add to that over 700 calories in the three Irish Car Bombs I did and that's basically 2,000 calories in alcohol. Well, I guess I found my down fall right there. Great. I drank more calories in a few hours than I really should eat in a day. I could have had 10 grilled chicken breasts and been all pumped up on protein.

On the flip side, I did have a late night swimming session (clothing optional) so that may have burned off some calories. Back to the point: Sunday fun day my ass. Not happening.

Good news is from the 24 hour diet I've still kept off three pounds. Bad news: my stomach has been cramping for a few days and I'm not totally regular in the bathroom department yet.

I've got to change my routine and my friend Rachel has convinced me how to do it. New plan of attack at the bar: vodka, water, and the zero calorie crystal light packets. Rachel let me try her drink and it was YUMMY, ladies! Guys, if I see you drinking this I WILL most likely make fun of you, and then buy you another drink for reading my blog.

Here's where we run into an issue, the higher the potency of your vodka, the more calories it has. So is it really worth it? I guess it all depends on your mood: let's dance the night away and not remember anything or damn I look good in this dress and I want to continue to fit into it. FYI for all of you Long Island Ice Tea drinkers ... you're screwed. There's almost 800 calories in one of those alone (8 ounces). Plus, you really aren't a better dancer drunk any way. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Tomorrow I will celebrate Labor Day by fasting again. Experts say you can do the 24 hour diet once a week and you'll live. Thank goodness because this belly fat isn't getting me any closer to my goal of being a twig again. (Oh wait, we realized why a couple minutes ago: I drink too much!) Finishing off the last half of my 48 Hollywood Diet drink tomorrow and then it's on to the 14 day cleanse. Oh goody I can't wait. I should probably go stock up on toilet tissue right now. Diapers may be in my basket too. ("I sheet on the toilet." Please tell me you've seen that commercial.)

Last piece of advice ... This skinny woman Val says she knows how we can get our bikini body's back in 24 hours. I'm wondering where this bitch was all summer, but that's besides the point. "Trainer to the stars" Val says every morning we should make a big huge pot of lemon and cucumber water. If you didn't know, lemon and asparagus have mild diuretics in them. Once again, be near a toilet. She also says we should all get spray tans because it will make us feel better about ourselves. Wow Val, a personal trainer and a therapist. all in one. Do you sell a self tanner too? Genius.

Case-in-point: 24 hour diet tomorrow. Drink vodka, water, and crystal light. We'll all be skinny by Tuesday.

- A

No Food & 6 Lbs Later ...

Thank the LORD I didn't eat those nachos yesterday, or anything at all, because this curvy chica lost SIX pounds in 24 hours!

On Wednesday I took on the hefty task of starting this dieting adventure and my first victim: the 48 hour Hollywood Diet. I turned this diet into a 24 hour program, which I researched and found out was A-OK. Within 24 hours of drinking three cocktails consisting of four ounces of the juice and four ounces of water, plus eight glasses of water, I lost 6 pounds! WOW! The diet promised I would only lose up to 5 pounds. Sounds like my body was craving for a detox and a cleansing really bad!

However, the question is, how long will this weight stay off? Considering I couldn't consume any food at all yesterday, I wonder what my weight will be once I eat something. I'm considering walking around with grilled chicken on a stick today to keep me away from any "bad" food.

I tell you what, yesterday was hell on Earth, not going to lie. I started the day off fine, just craving everything on the planet. As the day went by I started to feel light headed, dizzy, and then here came the hangover headache. I seriously felt hungover from 7 P.M. till I went to bed around midnight. I slept like a baby though. When I woke up I wasn't hungry at all. Weird. I bet I could make it the 48 hours without eating, but I have a tailgate to attend so screw that.

I gain all my weight in my non-six pack stomach and this morning I could tell that's where I lost it. Bad news: now I don't want to drink beer or eat the Buffalo Wild Wings my mom has promised me this evening. I don't want to gain the weight back! What an emotional roller-coaster!

Oh something else you need to know about this diet ... be near to a bathroom at all times! I won't go into any details because quite frankly some things happened to my body yesterday that I only thought happened to infants and old balls, but seriously, diapers may do the trick.

Six pounds down, 24 to go. We can do this troops! It's will power!  See you at the EIU football game! Come tailgate with me and grab a chicken breast!

- A