Today was the infamous physical appointment at my doctors office. I hate to say it, but I was a nervous wreck before I got to her office. I was practically shaking! What do I actually weigh? From all of my alcoholic weekends and fast food hangover binges, what had I done to my body? I am HAPPY to say I survived my appointment, with only minor bruising to my ego. Talk about karma ... Hurricane Katrina should have been Hurricane Karma because that bitch was bad and so was my news.
I not only have an infection in my eye, which my eye doctor told me yesterday, but I also have an infection in my throat. I'm falling apart people and this thing hasn't even started yet!
I know you all want to know what I weigh, and yes, I'll kind of tell you. If you really want to find out, figure this out: My doctor, Kelli Blagg, says that my blood pressure and heart rate are stupendous, kind of, and my lungs and oxygen levels are outstanding. (OK so maybe she didn't use those words, but I asked her if I was going to die from this and she said no. No backing out of this one. Dang.)
I'm considered overweight. Thank GOD I'm not obese. I mean, baby got back, but baby's got front too. I can't have a FUPA, that's embarrassing! (For all of you who don't know what a FUPA is ... google it.) My BMI is at 29. That's not good. However, I am 5'10'' and MY DOCTOR (hint, hint, licensed by the state to practice medicine and knows her stuff) says I'm big boned. FINALLY SOMEONE AGREES WITH ME ON THAT ONE! One brownie point to the Doc. For a person my height and age, I should be within the weight range of 130 to 170 lbs.
I'm sorry, but while writing this post all I've wanted to say is "EFFIN A!". What the hell am I doing?!?! I really want to have a an episode and just write all the curse words I can imagine.
Back to being a PG-13 writer: the visit was a nice reality check. Since my last visit in March, I've gained 15 lbs. Whoa, I had no idea. That's a lie, let's be honest, my flippin' pants ripped yesterday, of course I knew I gained weight again. Darn it! I asked the doctor if I needed to wait a few days in between diets, to let my system level itself out, ya know (or to grab a case of Bud Light or something of that nature) and she says it's perfectly fine to do these diets back to back.
Kelli Blagg suggested that I start with the "GNC Total Lean: total Body Transformation System". Remember we talked about this yesterday ... cutie Kyle, 14 day program, any of this ringing a bell? Her logic makes sense considering the GNC program is suppose to cleanse and detox your body too. However, I found a recipe for the Hollywood Miracle Diet (24 or 48 hours) and I think I'll try that one first.
Here's my plan of attack: Do the 24 hour cleanse tomorrow, have fun on Thursday at the EIU football game (Adam Drake, wide receiver #88), start the 14 day GNC diet on Sunday. How does that sound? You can't ask me to give up my weekend to dieting. That's just rude.
Keep in mind readers, I know how to lose weight the correct way: less caloric intake, more exercise. Not that hard, but I have a short attention span.
One last thing ... parents, teach your little kids not to call people fat. The little boy I nanny for continues to call me fat and tells me I'm big. Listen 7 year old, BACK THE BLEEP OFF. At first it was funny, because I'm obviously not a twig, but it quickly became redundant and I keep imaging myself getting a running start and drop kicking him in the face. By the way, I do love this little boy to death, but when we're in the car and he goes, "When are you going to get a bigger car? You keep getting bigger so you probably need a bigger car too.". For now, I only imagine the drop kick for a split second, it may become my day dream.
Well folks that wraps it up. Here's the web link to the Hollywood Miracle Diet. I'll let you know how it goes! Pictures are coming! http://www.naturalhomecures.com/member/24hourdiet.html
- A
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